This is Our Emergency: The Big Chop: Why I'm Cutting My Hair and Going Natural

When I was 12, I desperately wanted a relaxer (or as I grew up calling it, a perm). I never thought my hair was especially long but I knew it was pretty thick because people would tell me so constantly. From Ms. Arnold at the salon in Atlanta to strangers on the street. There were even a few times when people asked if I had a weave which always struck me as funny. I thought women only got weaves to make their hair longer. It never occurred to me that they also got weaves to make their hair thicker too.

My mom had always been against having my hair relaxed and it really aggravated her seeing little children with relaxed hair. I could understand that. Children are constantly growing and changing and all of those chemicals too early could seriously affect their hair and skin. My mom also felt that children should look like children and have plats and ribbons and barrettes in their hair, not look like little Diana Rosses.

My third birthday

I didn't really think about what my hair would look like after having a perm and I really didn't care. What I did think about was how much easier it would be to deal with, and ultimately that was my main motivation to get it done.

My hair regime as a child typically went like this: My mom washed my hair every Sunday in the bathroom over the tub. Whitney Houston, Garth Brooks or The Judds sang on the cassette player in the background (I'm not even joking - my parents are SERIOUS country fans). And every now and then (after the blow drying was finished), I'd have to sit in the kitchen while my mom pressed my hair with a very, very hot, hot comb. This was an exhausting routine for the both of us. Since my hair was so thick, blow drying it always strained my mother's shoulders and arms and they would ache afterward from all of the effort. Also, sitting still in a chair for an hour + while my mom pressed my hair was nearly impossible, and there were a few occasions where a sudden move caused me to get burned on the neck, ear and once even on the forehead!

Me and Camille

I was involved in several extra curricular activities as a kid (karate, dance classes, tennis, swimming) and when you're that active, it's difficult to decide what to do with your hair. I'd sweat it out during the week at dance class and on the weekends at karate and during the summer at tennis. My Mom probably had to get creative when deciding how to style my hair in between school, special occasions and extra curriculars. I was always busy with something.

Me with some of my karate belts

It seemed to me that getting a relaxer would be a great relief for my Mom and I and so I begged her to let me get my hair permed. She agreed (eventually) but only trusted her friend Adelta to do it.

Adelta is one of my Moms friends from back home in the islands and every couple of years, she'd fly up to Atlanta for the Bonner Brothers hair show. She's been a hairdresser for many, many years and owns her own salon. She's great at what she does and my Mom knew she wouldn't jack me up.

I remember my Mom telling me that once I had a perm, I would have to really take care of my hair. She also told me that it might burn (maybe alot, maybe a little - since I never had a relaxer before, it would be difficult to predict) but that I should stand the pain for as long as I could so that my hair would get as straight as possible. I won't lie, that scared the hell out of me but not enough to stop me from going through with it.

The day before she left to go back home, Adelta permed my hair. I definitely felt an intense tingle that first time, but nothing as bad as I had imagined and when my hair was finished, I couldn't believe how straight and soft it was! It was like a miracle.

Now that my hair was easier to manage, my Mom didn't have to help me with it, and I could wash it and blow dry it myself. If I needed to smooth out the edges, I would use my electric hot comb and carefully comb through them. I only got touch ups a few times a year because I knew that if I did it too often, it could seriously damage my hair and I didn't want that of course.

Sometimes those touchups were pain free and other times I would have to dig my nails into my thighs to keep from crying, the pain was so intense. But I would hold out as long as possible, because I needed my hair to be as straight as possible, right?

My high school senior picture

While everyone else seemed to love me with the new super straight hair, I realized pretty quickly that while having straight hair was nice, I definitely preferred curls. As a matter of fact, there were several times when I'd get a perm in the afternoon and then set my hair with rollers that same night. I liked that my hair was easier to manage, but felt that straight hair lacked a certain something that curly hair had always given me. How could I get my hair to stay that manageable and still get a decent curl?

Usually it would take a couple of weeks and a few shampoos to get my hair to curl the way I wanted it to after a relaxer and even then, the slightest amount of warm weather or rain, would make those curls drop instantly. Over the years, I've tried dozens of different products to make my hair curl post relaxer. Sometimes they'd work, and sometimes not. But I could never sort out an ideal solution.

Probably my favorite hairstyle

Family

Admit it. If you see a black woman walking down the street with full and long natural hair, for at least a split second, you wonder "What is she? Is she mixed? Does she have Indian in her? Where did that 'good hair' come from?" We've all got something else in us so it's really not a big deal. My family is extremely diverse and like many others, we range in personalities, beliefs, height, skin tone and yes, even hair textures.

Both of my parents are from Antigua, which is a small island in the West Indies. Formally a British colony, it's easy to find people in Antigua who are only a few generations removed from Europe. I don't know much about my Dad's ancestry (he could probably only go back as far as his parents) but my maternal grandmother was Portuguese.

Menena Fernandez had five children and my mother is the oldest of those five (My grandfather had five other children before he met and married my Grandmother so my Mom also has five older half-siblings). I'm an only child so I can't compare myself to any siblings, but it has always amazed me how some siblings can look so much alike while others look like they come from two different sets of parents altogether.

My mom and her youngest sister (My Aunt Marjorie) had the darker complexions in their immediate family, taking after their father. The three siblings in the middle (Aunt Veronica, Aunt Angela and Uncle Fitsroy) are fairer skinned and resembled my grandmother. But it's my Aunt Marjorie that ended up with the "good hair." It was long and curly and my Mom and her sisters used to love combing it and putting ribbons in it and treating their little sister like she was their living doll.

Granny, Esther, me and Aunt Marjorie

Years later, my Aunt Marjorie would marry an Indian man and have three kids. My Aunt Veronica also married an Indian man and had three kids as well. So I ended up with two sets of cousins who were half West Indian and half East Indian. That makes for a whole lot of "good hair."

Hair Envy

No matter what type of hair you have, there's some point where you wish you didn't have it. Either you have curly hair that you practically murder to make flat and straight or you have straight hair that fends of curls like they are the plague. Why aren't we happy with what we've got?

Growing up, I was super envious of my half Indian cousins and their hair. It was GORGEOUS! They always had thick braids down their backs, never had to worry about getting a perm or pressing their hair and never had to sleep with a head-tie on at night. I wanted their hair so badly and wondered why God didn't give me hair that was more manageable. Or at least give my Mom the same kind of hair my Aunt Marjorie had.

Alana, Angelo, Jeazette, Nerrissa, Adhalia and Uncle Anand

But the grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it? That girl whose hair you envy is going through some hair drama of her own and I can guarantee that there are some days where she wished she didn't have her hair either.

Take my Aunt Veronica's and Uncle Anand's three daughters Nerrissa, Adhalia and Jeazette. Here we have three sisters with the same parents and three different types of hair. All three sisters have naturally curly hair (no big surprise considering their backgrounds), but between the three of them, their hair does indeed vary.

Jeazette, Nerrissa and Adhalia

N has teetered between long and short hairstyles, but in recent years, has been quick to get a cut before her hair grew too far past her shoulders. Her hair is very curly but not as thick as the other two's. She doesn't mess with a flat iron or blow dryer unless there's a special event to attend (like in the photo above which was taken during Christmas time a few years ago). N is all about low maintenance and little fuss.

A wears her hair curly during the week, not only because she really doesn't have the time to bother fixing it up, but also because she feels its more appropriate for her work environment. However, don't get it twisted because once the weekend comes around, A is quick to break out the flat iron and will most definitely whip her hair back and forth when we all go out. While her hair isn't as curly as the other twos, it is pretty thick and it took her some time getting down a good routine to manage it. However, if you ask her sisters, she has the best hair out of the three of them and they are jealous of it.

And then there's J. It would be an understatement to say that J has thick hair. It's beyond thick. As a kid, whenever she took out her long braids and brushed out her hair, she'd end up looking like Simba from the Lion King. It was just SO MUCH HAIR! And while A's and N's hair was mostly easy to deal with, J had to struggle to keep hers under control. God knows how many bottles of gel she'd go through to keep her hair flat, or how many combs were defeated by her stubborn curls. Blow drying her hair would take ages and washing it was like an event. Her saving graces over the years have been a variety of flat irons (from Hot Tools in high school to the Sedu now), blow outs at the Dominican hair salon (it's important to go to people who know how to deal with your type of hair) and even having her hair thinned out at one point. Recently she started using the Keratin treatment which she really loves. It's cut her flat ironing time down significantly and has overall made her hair much easier to deal with.

N, A and J

So all that time I was envious of my cousins' gorgeous hair, they had their own hair struggles going on that I probably would've complained about if I was in one of their shoes. It made my side of the grass seem not so brown and lifeless.

Good Hair

I remember seeing the trailer for Good Hair a few years ago somewhere online and thinking that not only did it look really funny, but that it would take a great look into the world of black hair. When I finally saw it last summer (thanks to a copy from Netflix) it kind of knocked me on my ass.

There's probably a handful of black women, living under a rock in the middle of nowhere who haven't seen Good Hair yet. But for the rest of you who have, I'm sure you related to a lot of things in the movie. I know I did.

In the film, Paul Mooney says "If your hair is relaxed then white people are relaxed. If your hair is nappy, they ain't happy." I'm certain a lot of black women shy away from natural hair because of how it may come across at work or to others of a different race. One of my friends works in a very corporate job and she has told me that she's certain she'd be treated differently at work if she didn't straighten her hair. She thinks this because there are other girls at work whose natural hair is curly or coarse and they aren't treated as well. Is this a deliberate thing? Who knows, but at the very least, it is probably an automatic response from years and years of stereotypes, prejudices and misunderstandings, which is just as unfortunate and sad.

In the film, I was also amazed to see the amount of money black women spend to keep up their hair appearance. I'm sure if I calculated all of the money I've spent on my hair over the years, it would shock me but I can't even imagine spending $1,000 on a weave (do you know how many pairs of SHOES I could get with that?!) Of course, I don't have $1,000 to spend on a weave but don't think I would either. $60 for a perm all those years was more than enough!

The thing that probably struck me the most in the film, though was the comment that actress Tracie Thoms made about how it was almost revolutionary for her to leave her hair the way that it grew out of her head. And that made me go "huh. Why is that such a shocking thing? Why is it so wrong to leave your hair the way it is?"

No more creamy crack

January 11th, 2011 was the date of my last relaxer. The previous one had been in October of 2010 (yeah I was really drawing it out) and my hair was definitely beyond dealing with at that point. Last summer, I wasn't very good to my hair and I flat ironed the hell out of it for months. It was so humid here in New York, that I figured curls wouldn't hold up and so it would be better to just straighten my hair to death.

At Sharon's bachelorette party (that's me on the end!)

Bad idea. The damage I did to my hair was terrible and when I had my last relaxer, I also had to get a haircut.

This is probably the shortest my hair has been since I was a kid and I had no idea what to do with it! Pony tails were out of the question for sure. Also, the burns I received from the relaxer were some of the worst I'd had in a long time.

A few hours later, I was looking for some rollers (of course) and it suddenly hit me! Why am I getting perms that are obviously affecting my scalp when I don't even want straight hair? I also started to think that being an adult now, I'd probably be able to handle natural hair better than I could as a kid. And that's what I started seriously thinking about going natural. Good Hair had planted the seed and that last painful relaxer had really cemented the idea.

What better place than here, what better time than now

Once I decided that I no longer wanted to perm my hair, I googled "natural hair" and came across so many women of color with gorgeous, thick and healthy natural hair. They all seemed to love it and no one seemed interested in going back to relaxers. I figured that if they all seemed to love it so much, then maybe I would too.

In most of the natural hair stories I came across, there was a big chop involved, which is something that I never planned on doing, at least not for a very long time. I couldn't picture cutting off most of my hair. My Aunt Veronica's favorite saying is "Your hair is your beauty" and so how could I get rid of it? But only healthy hair is beautiful and my hair wasn't healthy. Also, now that I've been transitioning for a few months, the two textures I'm dealing with are getting tougher and more difficult to handle so a big chop really makes a lot of sense to me.

My big chop is taking place June 25th. I thought that this would be a good date because I'm going to my cousins wedding in Mexico the week after and I don't want to deal with this confusion on my head while I'm there. I want to go swimming as much as possible (boy, do I miss swimming) and not have to worry about what my hair will look like afterward.

While I'm looking forward to the big chop, I am also absolutely terrified about it. When the hairdresser had to cut my hair back in January, I was mortified when I saw how much of it was on the floor. Yes, it was badly damaged hair, but it was still my hair! Again, my hair probably hasn't been this short since I was very young, so getting even more cut off may totally wreck me. But I've gotta do it. And I am going to do it.

For now, I'm washing my hair once a week and sitting underneath a dryer with rollers. I usually sleep with rollers in my hair every night since it's pretty easy for me to style my hair once I've taken them out. And most days, the end result is something like this:

Now that I've decided to go natural, I notice natural hairstyles more often and I see how versatile they can be, as long as you know what to do. I think most of us have shied away from natural hair because we don't know how to handle it. But now that I've researched the subject and heard from others who have transitioned, handling natural hair doesn't seem so impossible anymore and I'm looking forward to it.

I also imagine that it will challenge me to step up my game when it comes to my entire appearance (which will make my cousin A happy as she's always complaining about the state of my eyebrows) 'cause I won't have any hair to hide behind. But I'm excited to use scarves in my hair and wear some new jewelry and see how creative I can get.

I plan to be more active as well (going to the gym more) since I won't have to worry about sweating out my perm. And maybe by the end of the year, I can fit back into one of my favorite little black dresses.

I hope I can handle this big chop. Who knows what I'm going to look like once I get it done and who knows if I'm gonna freak out and run to the salon and put in braids or something aferward (ok, so I'm exaggerating, that probably won't happen). I want to make it clear that I'm not knocking anyone who chooses to relax their hair. Obviously, it's something that I have a lot of experience with. But I am going to try this new thing and see how it goes and hopefully save my scalp some pain.

So to all you out there who have shared your stories on your blogs or uploaded tutorials on YouTube, (Natural Belle, UrbanBushBabes, Natural Chica, Naptural85, and LexiWithTheCurls especially) thank you so much for your inspiration and advice. Natural hair is Good Hair too and it can be beautiful if you know what to do with it.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading! And until next time enjoy this wave of photographs.

My mom. I'm pretty much her spitting image.

My parents on their wedding day.

My dad and my older cousin Terry with me, Angelo, Jeazette, Nerrissa and Adhalia. Yes, that's a lot of kids to have in diapers at one time.

Nerrissa and I. Nerrissa lived with us for awhile so we spent a lot of time together when I was little. She told my mom to take me back to the hospital when I was first born but got used to me after awhile.

In my Aunt Angela's back yard in the Bronx. Whenever my mom and I traveled, she'd always dress me up in something uncomfortable. I look especially uncomfortable here.